TEDx My Amazing Journey: Silenced to Speaker

Silence was safe But it has never been my natural state.

How I Got to The TEDx Stage

On the first of October, I faced the biggest challenge I had set for myself so far.

I was one of the speakers for TEDx Wolverhampton 2022.

Not only was I going to be giving a talk in front of a live audience and streamed online, my talk would also be put on the TEDx YouTube channel. And the biggest hurdle – I was talking publicly about the emotional abuse I experienced from my father and my ex-husband.

TEDx Wolverhampton Louise Anne

I often get remarks about how confident I am. But inside, I am still fighting my own battles.

You see, I was raised by an emotionally abusive man. For many many years, my silence kept me safe. It was how I survived. I learnt that words could be weaponized, manipulated and used against me at a later date. Expressions of hurt or upset were indications of how he could hurt me more.

Silence was safe.
But it has never been my natural state.

I would often have words fall out of my mouth without enough thought and consideration, normal for a child – yes. But I was not a normal child. I was supposed to be more mature, more understanding, just more.

From an early age, I had learnt to try and preempt what my father’s reaction was going to be and change my behaviour in accordance with what he would want.
I took responsibility for his emotional state. I was the one that would “make him happy” so when he wasn’t – I was failing.

When he did ask about me, how I was etc – my heart would skip a beat!

This was it, confirmation he cared.
This was the dad that I wanted.

It took years before I realised that his curiosity was never because he cared, but because he wanted something. An excuse to get angry, a reason to express his disappointment or even words or remarks he could use weeks later to make me feel like a bad or ungrateful person. When he knew what mattered to me, things would start to happen to take those things away from me.

  • My grades – he destroyed my homework in front of me.
  • Teddies – he called me childish and binned them.
  • Friends – he would make me question why they would like me or want to play with me.

My words had caused this. Speaking wasn’t safe.

After he discarded me, I struggled with my mental health.
I suffered from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm etc.
And still, I had to hold my words in.

There was so much hurt, anger, pain and turmoil in my life that whenever I opened my mouth – poison spilt forth. I would lash out, unable to contain the emotions I had suppressed for so long.

Any time I tried to speak to my sisters or mum about what was happening, there would be arguments, fights and harsh words on both sides. No-ones fault. We were all healing from the same man.

I then went to seek sanctuary in the silence. I would go for walks at night to clear my mind and breathe in the cold air. The world being asleep created a tranquillity and the only noise I was left with was that of my own thoughts – and they were loud enough. I isolated myself, fearful of the impact my unguarded words would have on others.

When I met a man that was also emotionally abusive, I felt at home with him. It was my normal.
Being with him I regained a requirement to monitor my words. The fear of the repercussions gave me the incentive to do it.
It’s amazing what you can do when you have to.

Within my relationship I was not only monitoring and measuring the emotional state of my partner – I also had to keep track of his family.
I would often be considered at fault for one thing or another. The anger of his mother would result in punishments from my ex.

Once, on holiday we were staying in a caravan together.
I received some awful news one evening. My uncle had been diagnosed with cancer. The following morning my ex was in the bathroom, his mother walked out of their bedroom and went to use the bathroom.

I wasn’t paying attention since I had a really bad night’s sleep. When she found the bathroom was already in use she stormed back to her bedroom. After seeing her anger, and now at the receiving end of the silent treatment from her, I found out that she was angry because I should have told her the bathroom was in use prior to her making the 3 steps to get there. I was given the silent treatment by her for the rest of the week and received the wrath of my ex for a lot longer.

This was standard.

My social media posts were monitored and reported back. If I received a like or comment from a male I would be questioned and accused of cheating.
I couldn’t even begin to count how many times things like this happened. It was so normalised that I didn’t think of how ridiculous it was until after the divorce.

One thing that all abusers have in common is their silencing of the victims. They will mock or ridicule their victim if they threaten to speak up. Or will punish them if they do.

At the start of my business, my ex watched my social media accounts. He phoned me screaming about what I was doing and threatening me. He ranted about how he was going to have to explain things to his new girlfriend and that I was ruining everything.
I came off the call shaking, crying and on the edge of an anxiety attack.

My words had caused this. Speaking wasn’t safe.

When I was found by Dave (my fiance), he held me. He comforted me. He reminded me of how far I had come.
He reminded me of why I was building my business.
I had used other people’s stories to understand what I had gone through. What emotional abuse actually was and how it had impacted me.
I used others’ stories to show me what was possible for me.
They gave me understanding. They gave me courage. They gave me hope.

It was my time to give back.

I knew that out there, was a woman experiencing what I did and looking for a light in the darkness. Someone to make her feel less alone.
I was that light. Even if I could offer nothing other than the comfort of some company – she deserved that.

The longer I shared my story and spoke up – the less my ex and his family bothered me.
I realised they would always play the victim and make out that I am the bad guy. And that’s ok.
They are entitled to their opinions.
But their opinions don’t affect me anymore.

The more my business grew, the more I needed a bigger platform to reach more women. I realised that staying small was only benefiting those that have bullied, manipulated and abused me.
I am not going to be their victim anymore.

I had put “TEDx Speaker” on my vision board for years. I had it written down in countless journals as a vision I had for myself. But whenever applications for my local TEDx opened, I would delay, procrastinate and make excuses. I would watch my opportunities pass me by and feel frustrated that once again I had been beaten by my fear.

When the applications opened for 2022, I started my application on the first day. And after entering my name and email address I had to fill in what topic I would choose. I closed the laptop and made excuses about needing to think about it. The truth was that I already knew what my topic needed to be, but I still didn’t know if I was ready to do that. I went back and forth opening, typing, deleting and closing.
Until one day I was tired of my own stupidity.
I filled in the form and pressed submit.

If my application was successful or not, the act of applying was enough of a win for me that day.

When I was one of the selected few, I knew this was my chance. And now I had people counting on me. The team, the volunteers, and the organiser. They had put their faith in me and believed that my story needed to be shared.
If I doubted myself, I wasn’t going to doubt them.

I still experience anxiety after sharing my story. Waiting for the backlash from my audacity.

But I now look at the life I have.
The friends I have deep connections with.
The bond with my daughters.
The relationship with my partner.
My business helping others.

My words have caused this. Speaking is not only safe, it’s liberating.

Fear doesn’t go away, sometimes we have to do things scared.
We can apply all the mindfulness techniques to help. But eventually, we need to get out of our own heads and take action on achieving our dreams.

Take Care and Stay Awesome.

Louise x

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I will be sure to share and post everywhere once my talk has been approved and published by TEDx Talks and TEDx Wolverhampton Youtube Channels.

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